Horror Art Online: Incense
by ultraatari
Summary: Andrew plays Horror Art Online too and has a little job for Kirito. Also fan service because anime.


Kirito boots up Horror Art Online to find Sinon and Asuna aren't there but a familiar face is.

"Andrew! I didn't think you'd play this game."

"Oh what...because I'm black? You think just cause I'm a black guy imma stay clear of anything remotely spookie cookie and probably die?"

"I EHHHH... I just figured you more of a minecraft guy."

"Actually I do like minecraft. But a friend dared me to give this a try and bought it for me so...here I am."

"You still wield axes?"

"You know it!"

Andrew swings his axe destroying one of the NPC's hookahs he was smoking and the NPC cries.

"Wow Andrew that was..kinda mean."

"Dude this game is great. You can do just about anything and there's no report feature."

"Yeah we kind of figured that one out last episode... doesn't this all strike you as I don't know...psychological horror trying to lure us in with survival horror?"

"Yeah I get that feeling too... Like I saw this giant armoured dude that was chasing me right? And as you know you don't level in this game by killing. You raise your stats by consumables. Basically replacing one grinding with another as sort of a critique but also submission to the cultural hegemony that is pay2play gaming and how it's all become a pachinko gambling ruse."

"This shit is more obvious than South Park at this point..."

"ANYWAY so the giant black knight caught up with me. and rather than kill me he revealed his face as my father."

"Well...do you have daddy issues?"

"Kirito I'm black of course I have daddy issues!!!"

"Well how come it's ok when you..."

Andrew sighs and turns away.

"White boys just don't get it... Anyway Kirito I could use your help. I hear there's a ritual to get a super rare item. You light one of these three incense sticks in the middle of the map. A bunch of enemies will spawn. I figure I can't take on whatever comes our way alone. And I know if anyone can take on a horde of unknowably strong enemies it's fucking Gary Stu Kirito!"

"Is that...supposed to be a compliment?"

"So will you help me or not Kirito?!"

"Fine geez!"

The two teleport to a map level and sit there contemplating.

"So which incense stick do we light?"

"Yeah see I don't know...the video I saw said it doesn't matter which you light just as long as it's one and only one but it had to be one of these three."

"K...but wouldn't the incense drop different hordes of enemies? I'd like at least some idea of what I'm dealing with here."

"Look man, it's all very vague and you know how die hard fanboys are about spoilers."

"Well fine. I pick that one."

"Why do you get to pick?"

"Cause I'm gonna be the one doing most of the work and you're gonna stand around collecting affirmative action points."

"Ok see, now THAT was racist..."

"Yeah well, when you got as many swords as I do you don't have to care."

"Two Kirito...you got two swords."

Andrew lights the incense and the sky goes dark. Kirito rolls his eyes.

"This is so campy..."

Very realistic looking eyes begin to form all in the sky and look at them.

"Wooooo eyeballs! Soon scary! What's next you gonna put a spider on my shoulder?"

The eyes in the sky begin to close. All of a sudden everything gets eeriely quite.

"Andrew what do you think about all of this I...JESUS ANDREW WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!"

"What? You know I thought we were friends Kirito and you gotta go and criticize a man's jawline. You know I work damn hard on my appearance. I eat right, I..."

"Nonono I mean your face it's...my face. But it's still your body. And it doesn't even look right. it's all distorted and kind of floaty?"

"What? That sounds trippy as fuck man...maybe we really should've picked these incense sticks more carefully."

Suddenly the entire map fills up with Kirits all saying out loud his inner thoughts.

"Andrew should've lit the yellow one. I like the color yellow."

'But yellow is a girls color and you know how if Asuna saw me fawn over yellow shed tease me for it."

As Kirito goes to say something so do some of the other Kiritos copying what he's saying and others just kind of walk around observing the other Kiritos all self aware of eacother but all acting as though they were the real Kirito. Andrew just kind of looks around.

"Kiritooo... is this some kind of situation where one of you is the real one and the other."

Some in succession all simultaneously yell at Andrew "I don't know Andrew I'm kind of tripping balls here right now!" and others try talking to the other Kiritos but go right through them like ghosts when they try to touch and some still just say his inner most thoughts.

Asuna and Sinon join the server and track the two of them down. Asuna speaks

"There you two areeee... Oh boy."

"Asuna there's like...a thousand Kiritos!"

A couple of the Kiritos say

"Asuna! Sinon! Get out of here this is weird!"

A couple of the other ones say maybe they can help.

A couple of the other ones unsheathe their blades and say "fuck this hot mess" and begin trying to thrash the other Kiritos but they just fall down going right through them.

Asuna just glares at Andrew.

"Ok seriously what the fuck were you two doing?!"

Andrews rubs his naval cavity.

"We were TRYING to do a little incense ritual and expecting a boss fight to get a rare item. Instead what we got is...whatever this is where it seems Kirito exists perpendicular to himself as dozens of different entities all existing simultaneously."

"What kind of fucking nonsense is that?!"

Sinon pulls out one of her pistols and begins shooting randomly at one of the Kiritos. The Kirito she shoots but even some she didn't say

"Ow Sinon! What the hell?!"

Some of the other Kiritos laugh, some of the others argue with her.

Asuna puts her hand over Simon's gun:

"Ok from what I'm seeing basically all of these guys are Kirito."

Andrew gets up from sitting down angry.

"Wait how can they ALL be Kirito? That's stupid...Real Kirito. send me a private message and tell me what you're gonna do next. it can be something totally stupid and benign."

Andrew's inbox is flooded with messages as all of the Kirito's give it some thought and begin writing stuff to him. However as they're writing more Kiritos begin to spawn.

Sinon yells "Kirito stop! You're only making it worse!"

Some stop, some keep sending the message, some respawn, some are still trying to talk to other Kiritos, the whole thing seems very chaotic and ungrounded.

Andrew screams and begins to glitch out and suddenly drops from the server via an information crash.

Asuna looks in Andrew's direction.

"Well the black guy died first...guess there's still some horror tropes honored."

Sinon looks over at Asuna offended.

Some of the Kiritos are still arguing running around trying to make sense out of all of this, others try telling Sinon and Asuna to think of something else cause this feels really weird looking at yourself in the mirror and the reflection talks back.

Asuna begins to think for a second...

"Waitaminute...Kirito! Or Kiritos? Anyway... what if this is some kinda depersonalization? Like... I've read about this in psychiatric class. You Kirito, as you exist in...however the fuck many there are... all are self aware you ARE Kirito but who among you FEELS like Kirito? Existing in your own personal state of consciousness rather than existing outside of it extending Kirito into some sort of outer character trait?

All the Kiritos grow silent for a bit and one says in the background like Sword Art Abridged "WUT?!"

Asuna sighs and takes off her top showing her boobs. Sinon closes her eyes "Jesus Asuna!"

But suddenly some of the Kiritos disappear while others start talking

"Asuna always did have a nice rack."

"I don't tell Asuna enough just how beautiful she really is..."

"WUT?!"

"It's working Sinon. Just...just keep your eyes closed!"

Asuna begins jiggling her tits and more Kiritos disappear but the thoughts still seem fragmented and confused talking simultaneously but slowly Kirito begins to get it until finally one and only one says "I'm Kirito..."

When it's just one Kirito he sighs in relief and sits down on the stone Andrew was sitting on and rubs his head.

"Ok what the fuck was all that?!"

"Depersonalization is a symptom of immense stress and anxiety disorder. It can stem from a variety of issues, but it isn't uncommon for people with epilepsy to have bouts of it. When you lit that incense.. it's effects paralleled that of a strong drug and basically you had a seizure. I figured because you're a fucking pig Kirito the way I could get you to calm down and reflect rather than allow your thoughts to take over was to show you my boobs and you'd calm down."

"Well...thanks I guess. But you know after dealing with all that I don't wanna think about anything right now. Not even your boobs Asuna."

"Oh what?! you think you're too good for me?! You know Kirito I don't show my boobs to just anyone! I'm a good Christian girls damn it!"

Sinon walks over to Kirito and shows him her boobs and Kirito falls backward. Asuna yells at Sinon.

"Sinon put those away! The moments already passed you fucking autist."

"Sorry..."


End file.
